relationship is in trouble

Relationship is in trouble

Relationship Trouble

“I had no idea we were so unhappy”

So you’re wondering what will warn you when your relationship is in trouble. Is there a distress flare to signal when you can ignore a relationship glitch and when it requires your undivided attention?

What ever you and your partner tangle about, it’s the way you do your disagreeing that tells you how deep a hole your relationship is in.

Relationship is in troubleAmerican relationships researcher John Gottman can predict which couples will split up. He’s right over 90% of the time. And it’s not the topic of dispute that tips him off, it’s the way you talk to each other that sets alarm bells going for him.

When you know your relationship is in trouble

When you argue, what sort of a build up do you have? Going for the jugular early isn’t a good sign. It stymies the chances of working anything out.  Probably your partner will get the idea that you don’t believe this conversation will make a difference. And if you’re not trying to make it work, why would they?

If your partner feels like you’re getting at them that’s not so good either. If you find fault or plain insult them, your partner will probably either shut you out or try to get even. Either way you’re unlikely to get the response you want.

When you say what you don’t like, keeping it specific helps. Focusing on the behaviour without getting personal is also a good idea.  “You didn’t do the dishes last night” is a very different proposition from “you’re a lazy slob and you never lift a finger to help around here”.

You’re human, so you probably do get at your partner now and then. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Maybe you find it’s escalating and next thing you know you’re telling your partner they’re a waste of space.  When that kind of scorn enters a relationship, it’s definitely a sign that your  realtionship is in trouble.

When your partner sneers at you do you bristle and sneer right back ? Maybe you switch off instead and act like you don’t notice and don’t care. Refusing to engage is another indication that your relationship needs some serious attention and indicates early sign of your relationship is in trouble.

Warning signs of a trouble relationship

So if it’s warning signs you’re after then research tells you that becoming hurtful quickly, really getting at each other, sneering, getting your back up and shutting down are the things to watch out for.You might do all of these sometimes and not worry too much. What ever you fight about, if your typical pattern of fighting includes some of these then you can take them as warning flares.

Relationshp troubles warning signsThe real question is what you do with the warning. The same research that identified the warning signs shows that what makes a relationship work is noticing and appreciating and building the good times you have together.

Warnings have their place. But if you really want to safeguard your relationship focus on what makes it worth having. You’ll have a lot of fun plus you’ll get a reason to bite your tongue before you sneer.

Don’t wait for a warning before you attend to your relationship. Enjoy it right now.

 

19 Comments Posted

  1. Hi My Daughter and Son in law are going through a rocky patch at the mo and he’s asked me to find a marriage counsellor. Can you help

    • Hi Rita
      Sorry to hear that, is it possible to know more about what the argument is about and what do you think will solve this issue. Let us know and we will see what and how we can help you.. Thanks

  2. Hi

    My boyfriend of 4.5 years has just returned back from a holiday in the UK and he has decided after living in NZ for 8 years he wants to move back to UK within next 6 months. He has asked me if i want to go.

    So i dont know where our relationship is at. Im also having to sell the property we bought together.

    Im feeling hurt and confused.

    • Hi Rebecca
      Relationship is about compromise and both of you need to come to some sort of arrangement, as in your case its you that will be giving up a lot in order to be with your boyfriend. You got to decide if your relationship is worth so much sacrifice and hardship if it is then by all means but make sure to have a backup plan if everything doesn’t workout as planned. It always helps if you talk to family and friends and get their advice and see where they stand, but remember at the end it will be your choice.
      Try talking to your boyfriend and tell him how you truly feel about the move and see how he feels about it..

  3. I mistyped above i was meant to say my boyfriend hasn’t asked me to go with him. That is why im hurt.
    If he had asked me i would have considered it.

    Thanks
    Rebecca

    • Hi Rebecca
      Have you told your boyfriend how you fee about this and asked him why he is not willing to take you with him ? Ask him and you will get your answer. Its better to find out his full intentions now then to find out when its too late. we know sometimes truth will hurt a lot but its better to face it and move on then to let it control you and stop you from enjoying your life.. Our advice is to ask your boyfriend what he wants to do and what his intentions are.. and go from there.. we are sure you will get your answers..

  4. Help!
    My partner and I have our own children from our past marriages. In total there are 6 children ranging from 7 years to 15 years. We only have them every second weekend in our small house. I have brought up my children on routine and structure, he wants to let the children do what ever they want when they stay with us. It doesn’t sit well with me. He prefers to be their friend rather than their father.
    I would like to compromise and have one night in the weekend where the kids can do whatever – tv, movies, late night etc.
    He becomes very defensive of his kids when we talk, despite the fact I don’t attack them at all.
    Its so hard to compromise with someone that won’t compromise back!

    What else can I suggest to him?

    • Hi thanks for sharing your problem with us
      We think the best way is to talk to the kids as if the partner is not willing then it will create more problems then solutions..
      All the kids are of above 6 years and you will be surprised to see how much understanding they have. explain to them why you want routine and structure in their life and how this will benefit them in future. Tell them that the only reason that you are doing this is for betterment of their future, ask them do they want to be successful in life or just a number count. Give them the choice and little bit of time they will come around to your understanding Make sure you don’t force them give them the choice to make decisions but be there to guide them ..

  5. Hi! My husband and I had this very difficult situation. I was on overseas for almost two years and our means of communication is only through video calling. There would be times that we aren’t able to talk daily because of time differences. Last year we are able to move here together and in less than a month i have discovered that he had been cheating on me all the while. I was so depressed of what i have discovered and suddenly my world just stopped spinning. We have talked a couple of times that we will work on it that i will try to accept and forgive him. I really love him and im willing to do that. There are times that we are ok but mostly i just burst into anger when i feel and intuition that he still cheating on me. I even talked and asked cooperation from the other party but i was fooled, they were still pursuing it behind my back. Because of that i have hurt my son very often, he became my outlet because i don’t want anyone from our family or friends to know what’s happening to us. So i thought we are doing ok not until one night i was surprised that the other party came by our house and we have a talked. My husbans said his sorry that he had been selfish and that he fell out of love on me. But he said he will not turn his back on me he will still be there when i need him and he will still provide for me. He said that as of the moment that he loves me but he cant feel anything right now and he cant bring back what we had before. I told him that im not letting go and i will fight for us. I told him that you should have talked to me about this long before, instead of just keeping it to yourself. And now i asked him to also fight for us if there is still the slightest of chance that he could open his heart for us and he said yes. I hope you can help us get through this very challenging situation. I dont want to have a broken family. Thank you.

    • Hi Mary
      Thanks for sharing your problem with us. It must be very hard to be in your situation as you have have to deal with a lot. There are some very important questions that you will need to ask yourself and it will depend on you how truthful you are to yourself when answering these questions..

      Does he really love you ?

      Is he dragging you along as a backup if the other relationship doesn’t work out ?

      Does he care enough for you and your kids to give up what he has now and come back to you ?

      Is the relationship going to be the same as before when and if he decides to comeback to you ?

      Will you ever forgive him for what he has done to you and your kids ?

      What would you have done if you were in your husbands situation ?

      How long are you prepared to wait for him to come back to you ?

      Is there any possibility that he will come back to you and love the same way as he did before ?

      Is there still time for you to create a new life without him in your life ?

      These are some questions you have to ask yourself and if you answer them truthfully you might have some idea of what to do next. You can seek professional advice from relationship councilors before making any harsh decisions as your decisions will affect you,your kids and many more people

      Just a little note : Hurting someone else because of your problems will not make it better, always take timeout, go for a walk, share your problems, talk to your family and friends and get help.

  6. Hi, I’m looking for someone for my partner and I to help us in Christchurch. Would you be able to recommend someone? Thank you.

  7. Hi
    My partner and I have been together for nearly 20 months. we have known each other for 7-8 years. We live together and have his 2 x sons on the weekend who are under 5. One is a step son and one is his own biological son from the same woman. We have been argueing alot and it doesnt feel like we are connected. His sister died last year and i have had a relapse in my anxiety and depression midway through last year, which i am on treatment for. As of last week, my partner has said he is having second thoughts about our relationship as we have been aruging over having kids and he is not sure now that he wants more. We both decided to have some space while we wait for a appt with a therapist (seperately).he says he needs to see a independent person to get a different perspective. Note he has been very hurt from women in the past. I am missing him and his boys like crazy. My question is, do i put a timeline on how long i should wait for him to make up his mind?

  8. Hi there,me and my partner are going through a rough patch at the moment we are starting to argue more frequently and arguments are not getting resolved and are constantly getting bought back up in conversations and then starts more fighting she claims she is just taking to me but I feel like she is not …I also have trouble letting things go and things get bought up again I go all day thinking about what we talk about and it tears me apart to the point where I feel trapped and just want to give up ….please do you have any advice ? We love each other so much and do not want to end things

    • Hi Nathan
      Thanks for contacting us
      Every relationship has problems no matter who you are or what you do. The key to a sucessfull relationship is how you overcome problems and how you solve your problems. In your case it looks like you have a lot in your mind and you are afraid to express it knowing that it will create more problems.. sometimes its better to let go of the past and start fresh, tell your partner eveyone makes mistakes and you both have done things in the past that you regret (everyone has something to hide or done things that they regret no one is perfect ) If she is willing then start fresh..

      if you guys trully love each other then you should forget that past and try and build a future that is full of love and devotion, living in the past will not only stop you from moving forward but it will hurt your relationshp in the long run.

      How to get things moving forward

      Start to make small changes :

      Give her flowers ( one rose a day for the whole week will make anyone feel appricated )

      Take her out for dinner and when the occasion is right explain to her that you are tired of living in the past and would like to move forward and be with her and willing to make your relationship work. Make her feel appricated and she will come around

      Take out few minutes a day to discus any problems you have , listen to the problems and come to a mutual solution ( every problem has a solution ) when you divide your big problems into small ones it easier to solve them.

      Remember no matter what if you both love each other then there is nothing that you cant solve.

      At the end if you think you have a problem that is too hard to solve then consider counseling as it might be of some help but make sure to try and solve it amongst your self first

  9. Hello, I don’t know how to approach this as me and my partner argue regularly. I’m very open and tell everything how it is and he’s not a talker so everytime I ask him questions about certain topics he shuts down and doesn’t day much. I’m not sure if he’s tell me what I want to hear or if he actually wants what I do.

    For example I want to have a baby and get married to him I bring up those topics he shuts down and then says yeah I do. But in order for us to have a baby I have to go IVF and I need his 100% support and I’m afraid I don’t have it.
    He has a son who’s 10 and has been married before.

    I’m not sure what else I can do tbh as I really think he’s telling me what I want to hear not what he really wants as I think he knows that if he says he doesn’t want a kid or to get married then our relationship possibly will be over.

    We really need your help please

    • Hi Deanna
      Thanks for contacting us and telling us your problem.
      To start of you need to ask yourself few questions
      Is he the one you are willing to spend the rest of your life with ?
      Is bringing a kid into your relationship going to create more problems ?
      Will your kid get the same attention and love from your partner as his own ?
      Is your partner scared of commitement ?
      What is stopping your partner from leaving you ?
      Does he still love you the same way as he did when you first met him ? Has he changed ?

      After these answers you should have some idea of where your relationship is heading
      If you still think he is the one for you then you should take small steps and see if he is willing to stay with you for the rest of your life.

      One Step at a time
      Bringing a baby into this worl is a big ask and in your sityation is much harder so you will need 100% support and commitment from your partner.

      Tell your partner that you would like to get married to him and start a family with him. Tell him to set a date and time when you would like to get married. If he is not willing to commit then you will know that he is not going to stick around for long. A person who loves you will do anyting to be with you.

      Bringing a child into a relationship is not going to make it easier, so take small steps and make sure you are 100% sure he is going to be there for you and all the way. If you are not sure then rethink if he is the one for you.

      Life is short and living in relationship where you are not sure if your partners is going to be there for you tommorow is not the way to go. Life is to be enjoyed with someone who is there for you no matter what, In good times and in Bad . .. It takes two to make a realationship work and if one is not willing then you will never get it right

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